Constructing "Me"
Hello! It's been such a long time since I've written here because I've either had a concussion and couldn't look at screens, I simply haven't had time, or I've just written it all in my mental health notebook. Either way, there is one post I thought about today.
While going through therapy and figuring myself out, I came to the realization that I've lived my life thinking I was an island. There was nothing that affected me, I was totally independent, and I could become whatever I wanted to be.
In part, that is a fine way to think. But when it becomes ALL that I think, then there's a problem.
When you think you are an island that can create itself, then you leave yourself with nothing but air to use as materials. Turns out, I came from a mother and a father. I came from a home of struggles. I came from trials that refined me. I have genes that came from people before me. These are the materials I get to build 'myself' out of.
In high school, I was so determined not to become anything like my father or mother that I abandoned and denied any material that came from them. I built myself out of air. I was hollow-- and I felt that hollowness! I didn't connect emotionally to anyone or to anything. I didn't have the friendships that I yearned for. I didn't have opinions and I just let everything happen to me. I was not an agent to act for myself but to be acted upon. I ran from my problems and whipped up a person that was distant and adventurous but not real.
So, with that new realization, I realized that I had to build myself out of what I came from. BUT.
Huge resounding "BUT":
I could refine those scrap materials. I could pick and choose what I wanted and I could break down some pieces and turn them into something better. So, do that! Go to therapy. Break down the bad stuff. Tear apart the things that were drilled into you. Pick the good pieces and discard the bad. And realize that Jesus Christ had the same materials to begin with and yet he made mountains and seas, flowers and thorns, lions and lambs. We have to use what we were given. We can't just conjure up what we think we "should" be out of thin air.
And then the biggest realization of all came from today's lesson at church: My first Father is God. My first Mother is my Heavenly Mother. That's where I came from. That's whose child I am. That's the stuff I have inside of me.
While going through therapy and figuring myself out, I came to the realization that I've lived my life thinking I was an island. There was nothing that affected me, I was totally independent, and I could become whatever I wanted to be.
In part, that is a fine way to think. But when it becomes ALL that I think, then there's a problem.
When you think you are an island that can create itself, then you leave yourself with nothing but air to use as materials. Turns out, I came from a mother and a father. I came from a home of struggles. I came from trials that refined me. I have genes that came from people before me. These are the materials I get to build 'myself' out of.
In high school, I was so determined not to become anything like my father or mother that I abandoned and denied any material that came from them. I built myself out of air. I was hollow-- and I felt that hollowness! I didn't connect emotionally to anyone or to anything. I didn't have the friendships that I yearned for. I didn't have opinions and I just let everything happen to me. I was not an agent to act for myself but to be acted upon. I ran from my problems and whipped up a person that was distant and adventurous but not real.
So, with that new realization, I realized that I had to build myself out of what I came from. BUT.
Huge resounding "BUT":
I could refine those scrap materials. I could pick and choose what I wanted and I could break down some pieces and turn them into something better. So, do that! Go to therapy. Break down the bad stuff. Tear apart the things that were drilled into you. Pick the good pieces and discard the bad. And realize that Jesus Christ had the same materials to begin with and yet he made mountains and seas, flowers and thorns, lions and lambs. We have to use what we were given. We can't just conjure up what we think we "should" be out of thin air.
And then the biggest realization of all came from today's lesson at church: My first Father is God. My first Mother is my Heavenly Mother. That's where I came from. That's whose child I am. That's the stuff I have inside of me.
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