Not Shrinking vs Surviving
This is one thought or piece of inspiration I received while studying my scriptures that helped put my troubled heart at ease.
I think about my mission a lot so it's just one recorded instance of many!
When I was in the midst of being really sick on my mission, I found strength in Elder Bednar's story of when he visited with Elder Neil A. Maxwell in 1997. Elder Maxwell had received intensive chemotherapy treatments earlier that year and was still going out to serve the Lord with all his might, mind, and strength.
Elder Bednar said, "During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”"
On my mission, I interpreted this as "forget about the pain, just go and serve! Don't shrink, just do it." It was about putting the work ahead of my health. My worst fear was going home before I hit my 18 month mark.
But that's not what it meant at all. In my flash of inspiration I realized that "surviving" was serving for 18 months. But "not shrinking" was serving those 14 months with everything I could offer. I would not have lasted 18 months and remained very effective as a missionary. There was no way. Even now I'm still struggling with my health and it would have been significantly worse in Korea.
Today, as I studied from the Come Follow Me booklet, I reread the section of this week's lesson that comes from Matthew 8–9; Mark 2; 5. It is titled "The Savior can heal infirmities and sicknesses."
I have read this part a hundred times at least and yet I never applied it to myself. I have some sickness and infirmity going on. I've been struggling for a while now. We are going on 8 months so far? It's been rough, to say the least. It might sound obvious but even reading these scriptures about the Savior's miraculous ministry never applied to me until today.
Why hasn't He healed me yet? Why didn't He heal me on the mission? Where is my miracle?
Today I realized that I have been asking for the wrong thing. It was always, "Please heal me. Now. I need help. Now. Take this away from me, please. Let me recover. Please, take away my pain." It all had to do with my time and my will; what I wanted.
Then I read Matthew 8:2 about the leper who was cleansed. He said, "Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean." When I read this scripture today, it all shifted. If the Lord sees fit in His infinite wisdom to heal me, then it can happen. But it's His timing and all I have to do is submit.
Like I said, this is not ground breaking revelation by any means. To some it might seem so obvious that these apply to my situation. But that's the thing about personal revelation-- it comes when we need it. And my pride was kind of getting in the way.
If I didn't acknowledge the pain, then I could get up and work. If I didn't think I was sick, then I could stay on my mission longer. If I didn't think about it, I could continue on as normal. If I just keep praying, then something will happen.
That was alllllllllll pride!
(Funny how you can continue to learn from something even 4 months after you return home.)
Well my miracle came in a lot of different forms. As I was ending my mission I said that "my miracle wasn't one of healing. My miracle was feeling loved by the members and my fellow missionaries like I had never experienced before. It was my heart opening up to a new level of loving others like the Savior."
And as I continue to press forward, it's still hard and I still have painful days, but I will never forget the love I felt and continue to feel from and for others. If the Lord will, He can make me clean. But it just hasn't happened yet. (Maybe my pride is still too strong!)
So raise a glass with me because here's to learning and continuing to press on in faith! Find your miracle-- even if it's small.
Take it from here, Lord.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Cheers (:
I think about my mission a lot so it's just one recorded instance of many!
When I was in the midst of being really sick on my mission, I found strength in Elder Bednar's story of when he visited with Elder Neil A. Maxwell in 1997. Elder Maxwell had received intensive chemotherapy treatments earlier that year and was still going out to serve the Lord with all his might, mind, and strength.
Elder Bednar said, "During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”"
On my mission, I interpreted this as "forget about the pain, just go and serve! Don't shrink, just do it." It was about putting the work ahead of my health. My worst fear was going home before I hit my 18 month mark.
But that's not what it meant at all. In my flash of inspiration I realized that "surviving" was serving for 18 months. But "not shrinking" was serving those 14 months with everything I could offer. I would not have lasted 18 months and remained very effective as a missionary. There was no way. Even now I'm still struggling with my health and it would have been significantly worse in Korea.
Today, as I studied from the Come Follow Me booklet, I reread the section of this week's lesson that comes from Matthew 8–9; Mark 2; 5. It is titled "The Savior can heal infirmities and sicknesses."
I have read this part a hundred times at least and yet I never applied it to myself. I have some sickness and infirmity going on. I've been struggling for a while now. We are going on 8 months so far? It's been rough, to say the least. It might sound obvious but even reading these scriptures about the Savior's miraculous ministry never applied to me until today.
Why hasn't He healed me yet? Why didn't He heal me on the mission? Where is my miracle?
Today I realized that I have been asking for the wrong thing. It was always, "Please heal me. Now. I need help. Now. Take this away from me, please. Let me recover. Please, take away my pain." It all had to do with my time and my will; what I wanted.
Then I read Matthew 8:2 about the leper who was cleansed. He said, "Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean." When I read this scripture today, it all shifted. If the Lord sees fit in His infinite wisdom to heal me, then it can happen. But it's His timing and all I have to do is submit.
Like I said, this is not ground breaking revelation by any means. To some it might seem so obvious that these apply to my situation. But that's the thing about personal revelation-- it comes when we need it. And my pride was kind of getting in the way.
If I didn't acknowledge the pain, then I could get up and work. If I didn't think I was sick, then I could stay on my mission longer. If I didn't think about it, I could continue on as normal. If I just keep praying, then something will happen.
That was alllllllllll pride!
(Funny how you can continue to learn from something even 4 months after you return home.)
Well my miracle came in a lot of different forms. As I was ending my mission I said that "my miracle wasn't one of healing. My miracle was feeling loved by the members and my fellow missionaries like I had never experienced before. It was my heart opening up to a new level of loving others like the Savior."
And as I continue to press forward, it's still hard and I still have painful days, but I will never forget the love I felt and continue to feel from and for others. If the Lord will, He can make me clean. But it just hasn't happened yet. (Maybe my pride is still too strong!)
So raise a glass with me because here's to learning and continuing to press on in faith! Find your miracle-- even if it's small.
Take it from here, Lord.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Cheers (:
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