Submissive? Passive? Closed Minded? Grounded?
The person who left on her mission in 2017 is a lot different than the return-missionary typing this in 2019. As I have been trying to adjust to life and dealing with the normal, everyday stressors that people have to deal with, I noticed two major characteristics that have changed about myself:
I am more 1) close minded and 2) submissive/passive.
Or is it that I have a stronger testimony and am more trusting/faithful?
Let me put it into context. Before I became a missionary, I was very open to other people's paths of enlightenment or spirituality. Most people considered me a "free spirit" and I was intrigued with other philosophies and religions like meditation and cool healing stories and whatnot.
But then I came home from my mission and found myself thinking, "if it's not the priesthood that is authorizing that healing or experience, then something is fishy." For example, the philosophy of yoga that I am currently studying as part of my certification course is hard for me to believe simply because it seems too "far out there" or, (some things I would say) sound straight-up blasphemous. Somebody healing another person is referred to as "another Jesus"!? And they don't have the priesthood? How is that possible. What spirit is that coming from?
Is this me being close minded? Am I looking at things too strictly? I know everyone has the Light of Christ and can know truth whether they are a member of the Church or not and I know miracles happen all the time without a priesthood holder around, but I am so skeptical now.
I struggle to think whether this new skepticism is good or bad....
And then there is the "passive/submissive" part of me.
If I had to list 5 adjectives that summarized my mission experience, one would definitely be "submission". I learned how to follow the rules without resisting and I learned that the Lord's will is not always what we want it to be. I learned to put my head down, go to work, and leave my selfish interests at the feet of Him who I was serving. In fact, happiness as a missionary was being obedient and working hard.
That train of thought led me to trust the Lord so much that even if something super crappy happened or the day turned out to be super unsuccessful, as long as I was doing what was right, then I knew it happened that way for a reason.
Well, this has led my post-mission self to be really passive. I know what I'm supposed to be doing and if I am obedient, then blessings will come. I don't know why this turned in to me just "letting life happen" when I used to be such a proactive, go-getter. The "hard working" part of that equation was left in Korea, or something...
I'm starting to think that coming home added a lot of new stress to my life and my reaction was to withdraw and give up. I felt out of control of my life. The mission was so structured and I knew what I had to "put in" in order to "get out" what we were supposed to: new converts, miracles, and Christlike qualities.
Here-- back home-- it was uncharted territory. There were health problems that still can't be explained, formulas that I don't know how to finish; I don't even know what solutions I wanted from those formulas! The really cliche return-missionary problem was full fledged hitting me: what was my purpose now? If I couldn't figure that out, and if there were to many unrecognizable variables in the equations that life threw at me, then throw in the towel! It can't be done!
That's what I justified as being "submissive". If I just floated on the water then the Lord would direct my ship where He wanted, right?
Wrong.
He guides us, not propels us. We have to get the motor started and the momentum building first, otherwise His "guiding council" is just a lot of lost advice to a ship with no sail.
___________________________________________________________________________
So, having written this all out, I still can't decide if my skepticism is too critical or if I developed deeper, stronger roots in discernment. I still have some things to work out in that department. (Does this decrease my empathy for others? Am I kind of intolerant to people's beliefs?) Hmmm..
But I realized that submission doesn't mean not thinking for yourself. It means doing everything you believe to be right, working hard to achieve your righteous desires, and then accepting the Lord's outcome/timing/push in a new direction. I was justifying laziness with faithfulness, and I had no idea!
Thanks for reading my thoughts. I'd be surprised if anyone actually made it to this point, really.
The word "essay" comes from the French word "essayer" which means "to try". So a personal essay was someone who began writing with the intention of finding their answer/solution by the end.
This was my personal essay to figure out what happened to me! Hahaha
It is a sign of wisdom and maturity-- not close-mindedness or intolerance.
It was, as my mom put it, "a positive spin on what changed inside of me".
I was grateful for that. Thanks, Richie!
I am more 1) close minded and 2) submissive/passive.
Or is it that I have a stronger testimony and am more trusting/faithful?
Let me put it into context. Before I became a missionary, I was very open to other people's paths of enlightenment or spirituality. Most people considered me a "free spirit" and I was intrigued with other philosophies and religions like meditation and cool healing stories and whatnot.
But then I came home from my mission and found myself thinking, "if it's not the priesthood that is authorizing that healing or experience, then something is fishy." For example, the philosophy of yoga that I am currently studying as part of my certification course is hard for me to believe simply because it seems too "far out there" or, (some things I would say) sound straight-up blasphemous. Somebody healing another person is referred to as "another Jesus"!? And they don't have the priesthood? How is that possible. What spirit is that coming from?
Is this me being close minded? Am I looking at things too strictly? I know everyone has the Light of Christ and can know truth whether they are a member of the Church or not and I know miracles happen all the time without a priesthood holder around, but I am so skeptical now.
I struggle to think whether this new skepticism is good or bad....
And then there is the "passive/submissive" part of me.
If I had to list 5 adjectives that summarized my mission experience, one would definitely be "submission". I learned how to follow the rules without resisting and I learned that the Lord's will is not always what we want it to be. I learned to put my head down, go to work, and leave my selfish interests at the feet of Him who I was serving. In fact, happiness as a missionary was being obedient and working hard.
That train of thought led me to trust the Lord so much that even if something super crappy happened or the day turned out to be super unsuccessful, as long as I was doing what was right, then I knew it happened that way for a reason.
Well, this has led my post-mission self to be really passive. I know what I'm supposed to be doing and if I am obedient, then blessings will come. I don't know why this turned in to me just "letting life happen" when I used to be such a proactive, go-getter. The "hard working" part of that equation was left in Korea, or something...
I'm starting to think that coming home added a lot of new stress to my life and my reaction was to withdraw and give up. I felt out of control of my life. The mission was so structured and I knew what I had to "put in" in order to "get out" what we were supposed to: new converts, miracles, and Christlike qualities.
Here-- back home-- it was uncharted territory. There were health problems that still can't be explained, formulas that I don't know how to finish; I don't even know what solutions I wanted from those formulas! The really cliche return-missionary problem was full fledged hitting me: what was my purpose now? If I couldn't figure that out, and if there were to many unrecognizable variables in the equations that life threw at me, then throw in the towel! It can't be done!
That's what I justified as being "submissive". If I just floated on the water then the Lord would direct my ship where He wanted, right?
Wrong.
He guides us, not propels us. We have to get the motor started and the momentum building first, otherwise His "guiding council" is just a lot of lost advice to a ship with no sail.
___________________________________________________________________________
So, having written this all out, I still can't decide if my skepticism is too critical or if I developed deeper, stronger roots in discernment. I still have some things to work out in that department. (Does this decrease my empathy for others? Am I kind of intolerant to people's beliefs?) Hmmm..
But I realized that submission doesn't mean not thinking for yourself. It means doing everything you believe to be right, working hard to achieve your righteous desires, and then accepting the Lord's outcome/timing/push in a new direction. I was justifying laziness with faithfulness, and I had no idea!
Thanks for reading my thoughts. I'd be surprised if anyone actually made it to this point, really.
The word "essay" comes from the French word "essayer" which means "to try". So a personal essay was someone who began writing with the intention of finding their answer/solution by the end.
This was my personal essay to figure out what happened to me! Hahaha
ADDENDUM. 03/23.
I was talking to a fellow Yoga Teacher Training friend and he said that once I moved out and across the ocean, it sounds like I developed a filter. One where it filters the things not only coming out of my mouth but it has a filter that processes anything going IN. It's not bad to be skeptical about things I hear or see and it certainly is an indication of my ability to recognize truth versus lie.It is a sign of wisdom and maturity-- not close-mindedness or intolerance.
It was, as my mom put it, "a positive spin on what changed inside of me".
I was grateful for that. Thanks, Richie!
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